My Promises to Myself

So the first promise I made to myself is a big one. In 7th grade I had horrible grades. I never did my homework, ever. I was depressed and self harming and kept to myself. So when everyone from Orland school transferred to Bucksport schools when I was in 8th grade, I decided that this was a chance for a new start and to have a clean slate. In 8th grade I promised myself that I would never miss another homework assignment except for when I was absent from school. I have kept that promise to myself for 5 years. I'm extremely proud to tell you all that I will hopefully be graduating with high honors. For so long, I thought I would grow up to be a nobody. I'm so proud of myself for making it this far.

The next promise I made to myself is that I wouldn't end up like my mother. My mom is kind of fake and she has put my dad through a lot of crap. You know the old cartoon called The Jetson's? When the dad offers the wife a few dollars and the wife takes the whole wallet instead? A lot of my personality traits make me fear that I'm going to end up like my mother. That's how I thought of my mom.When I was little, I had a bad dream about this. I was in my room playing with my barbie's (because I was like 7 years old) and then I started to notice that my hair started turning dark brown like my mother's and I started screaming. and then my body changed, my eye color changed, and eventually I turned into my mother. Then I woke up in a sweaty mess. So sense that day I promised myself that I wouldn't be like my mom. I never want to become be a user.

I promised myself  that I would try to be kind to everyone, even if they weren't kind to me. I'm kind to all my teacher's, all my friends, If someone drops their stuff in the hallway I help them. If my friend is in a bad relationship then I help them get through it and move on. If one of my friends is in trouble I will stick up for them. That's just how I am. From the time I was little, my dad has always told me to be the best person you can be. and I believe I have kept to that.

The Family Split

When I was little, my dad was my best friend. Whenever he had a day off we would do something fun and everything was happy. When my parents started having problems, my dad and I would go on "estimates". An "estimate" is when my dad would tell my mom we were going on an estimate for work and then my dad and I would go shopping instead.

My freshman year my parents got divorced. I thought it was a good thing because they fought everyday. Once they had a big fight when we all went on a picnic down at the Orland river and my dad got so mad that he walked all the way home to where we lived, the Gilpen rd. So after my parents got divorced my dad and I moved into an old summer house of one of his friends and we lived there for about 2 years. I loved living with my dad there. we would walk down to the Orland market and eat macaroni salad and talk about our day.

Then my dad started telling me that he wanted to start dating again and I told him I thought it was great idea. So he met a woman ( I don't know where) lets call her Bailey. So my dad and Bailey went out for a while and she was so nice to me. For my 16th birthday she gave me $200 and took me shopping. Then Bailey and my dad broke up. Apparently Bailey was a complete nut job. She lied to my dad about being pregnant. So that was that.

Then about a year later, My dad met my step mom and the got married 4 months they started dating and now they are expecting a baby girl. I'm glad that my dad is happy but ever sense he met my step mom, I feel more and more distant from my dad and I feel like I lost my best friend and I feel like I'm being replaced by this new baby.

I'm currently living primarily with my mother and with my boyfriend on the weekend and during school vacations because my dad told me that I need to move out of his house because he could see that I wasn't happy. So that's the story. I still love my dad very much and I wish that we could be as close as we were, but i just don't think that's going to happen.

Fear of the Future

So in December I applied to EMCC and UMA. I got accepted to EMCC but I don't want to go there because they don't have an Art program and I definitely need that. A few months ago my guidance counselor told me that I got accepted to UMA and I was so exited because they have a good art program. Then my mom called the admissions office at UMA and asked where my acceptance letter was a couple months later and they said I was missing a few things on my application and that I hadn't been accepted yet. I was devastated all those months I had thought I was accepted. So this is the Struggle I'm dealing with right now.

I'm one of those people who procrastinate when I'm scared, and I've been procrastinating A LOT. I haven't done any scholarships yet and I don't know how I'm going to pay for college (if I get in) because as soon as I graduate high school I'm moving in with my boyfriend and I don't have a job right now. I just can't stop procrastinating and I can't seem to find the time to do all this stuff because Im focusing on my grades right now and I just don't know what to do. I want to have a good career and become an art teacher, but a part of me feels like I can't do it and I have a lot of self-doubt.

My self doubt problems go back to 6th grade. In 6th grade all the girls in my grade were friends and we would have sleepover's and do other stuff that little girls do. Then new girl came to school, lets call her Daisy. So Daisy and I became friends. Then in 7th grade everyone turned against me because Daisy told everyone a rumor about me that wasn't true and then everyone thought I was weird. So at this point I had no friends and I went into a depression and my grades went down I just felt horrible about myself and I honestly thought I was stupid. So I just gave up on myself and didn't think I could do anything.

So if anyone has any advice on what I should do about the whole Scholarship self doubt thing feel free to comment below. Thanks.

Destiny

This is a picture I took the morning of the day I met the love of my life. It's been almost a year. I had totally given up on love until that afternoon.

 So Before I met Mike, I had been single and focusing on my grades for about a year and I had totally given up on finding a relationship at that point. I met Mike last year in May. I was in the break line, minding my own business, and then I thought I saw someone staring at me. So I look over and I see the cutest guy, in a welding program coat, smiling like a complete idiot at me. My face turned sooo red.
Then I saw him walk out of the cafeteria. I wanted to talk to him so I followed him out and followed him down the hallway and fake coughed and cleared my voice to get his attention but he didn't turn around.
So when I got home, I went on face-book to see if I could find him. I looked at all my face-book friends that were in the welding program and I couldn't find him so i gave up.
Then something weird happened. I was scrolling through my news feed and I saw that a friend of mine that was in the welding program posted a prank picture of him pretending to propose to Mike. At that moment I was just like "OH MY GAWD THAT'S THAT GUY!" So then I face-book messaged him and did the whole awkward first conversation thing and the rest is history.
When I told Mike about how i stalked him in the hallway when we met and stalked him on face-book he just laughed and said "ya Becca, that sounds like something you would do." I regret nothing about this whole thing. We have been together 10 months as of yesterday and we have not fought once, not even once. I can't beleive I got so lucky to love someone like him. ❤️😘

The Autism Awareness Bracelet

So my brother's name is Ryan. He is 20 years old. He was diagnosed with Autism when he was 3 years old. When we were little it was always fun having him around and he acted my age when I was little and we made up games all the time and it was just so much fun.

 I always knew my brother was different but I didn't know he had a disability. When I learned about my brother's disability i was around 12 or 13 years old. Ryan had spilled something and told me it was my job to clean it up. We argued and I yelled at him and angrily asked him "what hell is wrong with you?" after I said that I felt so bad. When my dad came home and heard what I said to my brother he brought me upstairs and told me all about Ryan's disability and how he was so disappointed in me for saying what I said. I haven't said something like that to my brother again.

When my brother got older and was in high school, he got very depressed. He was bullied all the time and I was suffering watching him go through it when I was a freshman and he was a senior. When people called him retarded I honestly wanted to punch them in the face.

When my brother graduated high school, he got very suicidal. he told my dad what his plan was because he trusts my dad the most. Then my dad told me because my dad tells me everything. I was so devastated. Luckily my dad talked him out of it and he hid all of his guns.

Eventually Ryan got better he joined a group home and got more counseling. He is doing very well now. He works at Vance's tropical fish and aquarium. I love my brother so much. That's why I my autism awareness bracelet.

Things My Sister Does to Make Me Think Shes Demented

So this is my little sister, Paige. She's six years old. She may look cute and innocent in this picture with her little pony tail, but she is absolutly horrible to me.

This one time I lost my ipod for about 3 weeks and I literally looks everywhere. In the kitchen, the living room, EVERYWHERE. and then 3 weeks after I lost my ipod my mom was feeding the cat and she suddenly came up to me and said "Hey Becca I found your ipod" then she pulled it out from behind her back. When i asked her where she found it she said when she was pouring the cat some food it fell out of the cat food bag. So my sister hid my ipod in the cat food bag and forgot about it.

Another time my sister hid something from me is when i lost my phone. I realized I had lost my phone one day and I asked Paige if she had seen it and of course she said "Nope!" Then a few days later she come in my room at six o'clock in the morning on a SATURDAY and placed my phone on my bed and said very shyly "Hey Becca..... I found your phone... it was in my top drawer.... i don't know how it got there."

Paige also knows almost every swear word in the book. She's called me the b-word, the s-word, the a-word, and the f-word! Shes a six year old! She shouldn't know those words yet! She probably learned then from my brother.

Even though my sister is constantly annoying (what 6 year old isn't?) I still love her. Even though she hides all my stuff and sneaks in my room and steals all my shoes and clothes and plays dress-up with all my stuff. Shes so smart and cute, and i can't be mad at that cute face for too long.

Stupid Cute Stuff my Boyfriend Does

So my boyfriends name is mike (a.k.a. my Mikeybear). We have been together since May 26th, 2014. So about...10 or 11 months now, which is pretty good in my book. But anyway Mike will do the craziest things just to make me laugh and i just thought I would talk about it.

So one of the stupid cute things he does is whenever I try to take a cute picture with him he ALWAYS messes them up as soon as I click the button to take the picture as u can see (by the way I was deer and he was a hunter for Halloween that's why in the picture in dressed like that). Its kind of annoying but whenever I get upset or I have a bad day and he's not there to cheer me up I look at all the pictures he messed up with his silly faces and it makes me laugh.

Another thing that i think is absolutely adorable is that Mike love Scooby-doo. He has all the Scooby-doo movies and collections and i don't know why but it's so cute.

He also is addicted to peanut butter. I mean ADDICTED to it. He told me once when he was 7 years old his parents left him home alone and they had one of those giant school cafeteria size jars of peanut butter in the cupboard and he sat in front of the TV and watched Scooby-doo until they got home and ate the WHOLE jar.

You know how guy's think about hot girls? Well mike thinks about cars and trucks. We go by someones really nice truck and he goes "OH MY GAWD! DID YOU SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL TRUCK!" At least he doesn't think about other girls though.

Even though Mike has these weird habits I still love him with all my heart.