My Promises to Myself

So the first promise I made to myself is a big one. In 7th grade I had horrible grades. I never did my homework, ever. I was depressed and self harming and kept to myself. So when everyone from Orland school transferred to Bucksport schools when I was in 8th grade, I decided that this was a chance for a new start and to have a clean slate. In 8th grade I promised myself that I would never miss another homework assignment except for when I was absent from school. I have kept that promise to myself for 5 years. I'm extremely proud to tell you all that I will hopefully be graduating with high honors. For so long, I thought I would grow up to be a nobody. I'm so proud of myself for making it this far.

The next promise I made to myself is that I wouldn't end up like my mother. My mom is kind of fake and she has put my dad through a lot of crap. You know the old cartoon called The Jetson's? When the dad offers the wife a few dollars and the wife takes the whole wallet instead? A lot of my personality traits make me fear that I'm going to end up like my mother. That's how I thought of my mom.When I was little, I had a bad dream about this. I was in my room playing with my barbie's (because I was like 7 years old) and then I started to notice that my hair started turning dark brown like my mother's and I started screaming. and then my body changed, my eye color changed, and eventually I turned into my mother. Then I woke up in a sweaty mess. So sense that day I promised myself that I wouldn't be like my mom. I never want to become be a user.

I promised myself  that I would try to be kind to everyone, even if they weren't kind to me. I'm kind to all my teacher's, all my friends, If someone drops their stuff in the hallway I help them. If my friend is in a bad relationship then I help them get through it and move on. If one of my friends is in trouble I will stick up for them. That's just how I am. From the time I was little, my dad has always told me to be the best person you can be. and I believe I have kept to that.

The Family Split

When I was little, my dad was my best friend. Whenever he had a day off we would do something fun and everything was happy. When my parents started having problems, my dad and I would go on "estimates". An "estimate" is when my dad would tell my mom we were going on an estimate for work and then my dad and I would go shopping instead.

My freshman year my parents got divorced. I thought it was a good thing because they fought everyday. Once they had a big fight when we all went on a picnic down at the Orland river and my dad got so mad that he walked all the way home to where we lived, the Gilpen rd. So after my parents got divorced my dad and I moved into an old summer house of one of his friends and we lived there for about 2 years. I loved living with my dad there. we would walk down to the Orland market and eat macaroni salad and talk about our day.

Then my dad started telling me that he wanted to start dating again and I told him I thought it was great idea. So he met a woman ( I don't know where) lets call her Bailey. So my dad and Bailey went out for a while and she was so nice to me. For my 16th birthday she gave me $200 and took me shopping. Then Bailey and my dad broke up. Apparently Bailey was a complete nut job. She lied to my dad about being pregnant. So that was that.

Then about a year later, My dad met my step mom and the got married 4 months they started dating and now they are expecting a baby girl. I'm glad that my dad is happy but ever sense he met my step mom, I feel more and more distant from my dad and I feel like I lost my best friend and I feel like I'm being replaced by this new baby.

I'm currently living primarily with my mother and with my boyfriend on the weekend and during school vacations because my dad told me that I need to move out of his house because he could see that I wasn't happy. So that's the story. I still love my dad very much and I wish that we could be as close as we were, but i just don't think that's going to happen.

Fear of the Future

So in December I applied to EMCC and UMA. I got accepted to EMCC but I don't want to go there because they don't have an Art program and I definitely need that. A few months ago my guidance counselor told me that I got accepted to UMA and I was so exited because they have a good art program. Then my mom called the admissions office at UMA and asked where my acceptance letter was a couple months later and they said I was missing a few things on my application and that I hadn't been accepted yet. I was devastated all those months I had thought I was accepted. So this is the Struggle I'm dealing with right now.

I'm one of those people who procrastinate when I'm scared, and I've been procrastinating A LOT. I haven't done any scholarships yet and I don't know how I'm going to pay for college (if I get in) because as soon as I graduate high school I'm moving in with my boyfriend and I don't have a job right now. I just can't stop procrastinating and I can't seem to find the time to do all this stuff because Im focusing on my grades right now and I just don't know what to do. I want to have a good career and become an art teacher, but a part of me feels like I can't do it and I have a lot of self-doubt.

My self doubt problems go back to 6th grade. In 6th grade all the girls in my grade were friends and we would have sleepover's and do other stuff that little girls do. Then new girl came to school, lets call her Daisy. So Daisy and I became friends. Then in 7th grade everyone turned against me because Daisy told everyone a rumor about me that wasn't true and then everyone thought I was weird. So at this point I had no friends and I went into a depression and my grades went down I just felt horrible about myself and I honestly thought I was stupid. So I just gave up on myself and didn't think I could do anything.

So if anyone has any advice on what I should do about the whole Scholarship self doubt thing feel free to comment below. Thanks.